A Brief How To: Spotting the Soccer Douche

I'm pleased to present my first guest post, and it's by my brother David. He's been playing pickup soccer every night so far this summer and developed the following survival mechanism.

When picking sides in the neighborhood pick up game, spotting the player that will end up hogging the ball, talking inordinate amounts of trash, and eventually storming off the field can be a great advantage. However, in the beginning stages it can be hard to pinpoint this player. In this short How To guide I will outline several basic tenants that most, if not all, soccer douches follow.

Gelled Hair

I am not talking about that you had gel in your hair this morning. I am talking about gelling your hair before the game, styling it in the mirror, and then constantly checking yourself out in any reflective surface that happens to be near the pitch. Oh extra shiny soccer ball, I think I will admire my beautiful hair in you.

Under Armor

Now there is a time and place for under armor, if you are a girl that time is when it is chilly out. However, if you are a man, under armor is only permitted to be worn when it is snowing out. If you happen to spot a player who shows up in 80 degree weather wearing skin tight spandex than you can be 70% sure he takes himself too seriously.

Neon Colored Cleats

This should be taken as a bright flashing warning that says, “This player craves attention!” He will always be open. He will always demand the ball by screaming. He will take shots every chance he gets. He will not pass, because he is, of course, the best player on his team. And you can be damn sure that he is too good for defense.

Now once in your lifetime you will stumble onto a player who walks onto the pitch with a freshly gelled fohawk, neon green Nike’s and skin tight under armor. Run for your life, and do not look back.

The Southwest Kansas Greeting

Someday you will be in Kansas
Towns the size of small anthills
The smell of cow shit

Someday in Kansas
You will grow lonely for a game
Of pickup

Past the railroad tracks
In the back of a park
On an uneven field

Long sticks for goal posts

Run
Move it with your left foot
Charge the ball in the air

In Southwest Kansas
You can play with

el Salvadorians, Mexicans, Puerto Ricans
Beers, loud music, open containers
A Kansas wind behind you

The greeting is the key:
A quick hand slap
and quickly
A solid fist bump

The quick hand slap
The solid fist bump

The quick hand slap
The solid fist bump

5 Types of Pick-Up Soccer Players

Listen to some chill music while reading Advantage Played


Pick-Up Soccer
No matter where you play pick-up soccer, gym, actual pitch, or bumpy grass field, you will run into the same types of soccer players. Who are these crazy footballers? Let me lay it out on the line for you.

1: Mr. Twinkle Toes
Mr. Twinkle Toes loves the ball and his Kaka jersey. If he had to choose between seeing his team score or doing a sweet step over he’s going to pick the step over every time. He doesn’t see soccer as a team game. When he’s on the field and has the ball, there is no need for a team.

Mr. Twinkle Toes believes that he can score every time he has the ball. No situation actually requires passing the ball. His magical abilities will surly take him down the pitch with no problem. All the way in the back corner? No problem. Mr. Twinkle Toes believes he can dribble his way out.

When Mr. Twinkle Toes doesn’t have the ball he believes everyone should pass it to him. You think you’re allowed to dribble and shoot? Wrong. Mr. Twinkle Toes will yell in frustration, “Why didn’t you pass the ball to me? I could have scored!”

Mr. Twinkle Toes will refuse to be the goalie. Often he will slink away for water breaks when it is his turn and can only be forced into the goal by direct confrontation.


2: The Longshot
The Longshot loves that moment when the ball connects with his foot and dips and spins into the top corner of the net. He’s scored amazing goals before and he’s convinced that he can score one every time he touches the ball. The Longshot just got done watching a You Tube compellation of John Arne Riise and is happy to swing as hard as possible with both feet.

The Longshot never stops believing in himself. Even thought the last ten times he got the ball he hit it 20 feet over the top of the goal and then watched the opposing goalie run to pick it up, he still believes. He’s the Mulder of pick-up soccer.


3: The Field General
The Field General knows his soccer. He’s probably played organized soccer at some point and knows how the game is supposed to be played. He knows how to make the runs, he knows when to pass, and he knows when to shoot. The Field General can be a great asset to your team if your team isn’t filled with Twinkle Toes and Longshots.

The Field General is also bipolar. On a team filled with mediocre and poor players he will start to overheat. When everyone is bunching together, no one is spreading the field, and there is no defense the Field General sees it all and he’s going to let you know it.

There the Field General stands, tying to command his stupid troops. With every order that is ignored, the Field General gets more annoyed. After enough frustration the Field General will give up trying to be helpful and turn into Mr. Twinkle Toes or the Longshot.


4: The Rager
The most dangerous pick-up soccer player, the Rager hides, often disguising himself as the Field General or Mr. Twinkle Toes. He will play normally for ten or twenty minutes before his anger and frustration boil over the top.

The Rager is usually calm until he is embarrassed, people start talking trash, or his team is losing badly. He’s a badass and he’s going to make it known one way or another. Oh it starts with little accidents, a high elbow, a kick in the back of the leg, an extra hard bump into goalie, but it quickly escalates to a serious level.

Get the Rager angry enough and the flying, two feet, studs up challenges come out. Get in the Ragers face and let him know what’s not acceptable.


5: The Old Man
The Old Man has been playing soccer forever. He knows the game better than anyone else on the field and he knows how to play every position. Because he doesn’t have the strength and the stamina of the younger players the Old Man is happy to play in defense. He’s not loud and angry, but he will let you know what to do if you are messing around.

The Old Man is a great asset. Unselfish, he will pass the ball and play defense when needed. If he wants to go forward in attack his teammates will generally cover for him. He never complains when it is his turn to be in goal, but he won't suffer in it forever.