Wednesday, March 25, 2009

The AP Global Trend Center with Bruce Arena: The Weekend That Was

Beep Beep Da Deep Da Bleep Bleep Bleep Bleep

There is no I in Bruce Irena
There is no "I" in Bruce Arena

Good evening. This is Bruce Arena live from the Advantage Played headquarters in the Chilie con Caso center the moon. Last weekend’s action was totally exciting and in your face. There were some great goals scored. Oh you didn’t see them? Losers. I guess that’s why the fantastic talent at Advantage Played hired me, Former National Team Coach Bruce Arena, to guide you through, The Weekend That Was.

First I have to say what an incredible performance it was by the young guys on my team. Gee golly did they step up and fight. Two late goals by my Landycakes himself brought us above the previous season’s best home result. If Beckham would have been there I could only imagine what the score would have been. Probably at least 1-2 instead of 2-2. And the fans would eat it up. Suckers.

But that’s not the only surprising result. In fact, the Commissioner has informed me that more than one game was played last weekend. Using my giant head and numerous face scrunches I’ve managed to go through the numbers with the same comb I use on my luscious locks to bring you the analysis you just can’t get from those know-it-alls on Extra Time.

The Weekend That Was: Away Wins

The big story, besides the victory at our SS stadium that is also used for dirt bike racing, is that this season it is more advantageous (or as we hear at AP like to say, “More advantage playedous”) to be the away team this opening weekend. Let’s go to the Big Board and look at the results.

The Big Board
OK Big Board, show us the teams that won away from home
-Chicago v FC Dallas: 3-1
-Toronto v KC: 3-2

-New England v San Jose: 1-0

And the draws
-Columbus v Houston: 1-1

-DC v LA: 1-1

That means only Seattle and Chivas USA captured three full home points. I knew there was no way DC could beat us since we were missing Beckham, but I was almost reminded of my National Team days while we were losing.

What happened to the home team being the most dominate? I know that LA didn’t win because of all of those people who bought season tickets and then for some reason failed to show. What about the other cities?

After a vast amount of concentration with both a magic 8 ball and a snow globe I’ve decided to place the blame solely at the many whims of fate. And that fact that early in the season, home dominance must be started all over again. After a long preseason the rust is still covers the ignition despite the shiny chrome additions of new players.

Time to Step Up

Mr. Arena
The players must be confident in their home support and field. Us home teams get to eat pasta in bed before a game if we want. We can hop in our 02’ Ford Rangers with only 60 thousand miles and drive to the stadium instead of flying thousands of miles.

The damage is done to Dallas, KC, San Jose, Houston, and LA. The advantage has been played to the away winners. They are granted increased confidence and a sense of accomplishment while the losers feel the opposite. If they can’t win on their first day of play at home, how can they be expected to win away?

Now is the time for men to be men. The away winners must build on their success and make no assumptions next time they play at home. The losers, well, I know that our underwear model overlords will be back to make it right soon.

This has been Bruce Arena bringing you The Weekend That Was. See you soon.

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