To: Commissioner Don Garber

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Re: A Letter to David Beckham
Dear Commissioner Don Garber,
America has a long history of standing up and imposing itself on the world. We fought off the damn British and we sure aren’t afraid to start wars. I’m glad that Major League Soccer isn’t going to sit back and let Beckham play us all for fools.

Beckham would have sat back and conjured up boring English news articles. The drama would have dragged on past the start of the MLS season. Ooooh Beckham you love Milan. I’m sure it’s nice to get away from people who suck at soccer and then talk shit on them behind their back.

Don Garber, you are now officially the drama reducer, the deadline maker, the stamper of authority. Thank you for setting the Friday deadline and telling it to Steven Goff. There is no reason to let the prima donna underwear model draw all this attention.

Don Garber, you aren’t going to play AC Milan’s mind games. You know that they like to use tricky dick fun bills. They can’t trick MLS into accepting a tiny amount for the headliner and bringer of asses to seats. They aren’t going up against some rinkie dinky snake oil salesman. This is America; we know how to do business. We are the masters of AAA rated bonds.

Don Garber, you understand the value of money. You know that selling Beckham for a small amount so it doesn’t scare other stars away is ridiculous. Most of the other stars aren’t complete dicks. You know it’s not so bad to let Beckham’s contract run out at the end of the season and let him go away for free. He will make MLS enough money to easily equal Milan’s first offer.

Plus if Beckham doesn’t get the transfer, all us fans get to boo his every touch for the whole season.

Thanks man,
Graham Fox
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