A Brief How To: Spotting the Soccer Douche

I'm pleased to present my first guest post, and it's by my brother David. He's been playing pickup soccer every night so far this summer and developed the following survival mechanism.

When picking sides in the neighborhood pick up game, spotting the player that will end up hogging the ball, talking inordinate amounts of trash, and eventually storming off the field can be a great advantage. However, in the beginning stages it can be hard to pinpoint this player. In this short How To guide I will outline several basic tenants that most, if not all, soccer douches follow.

Gelled Hair

I am not talking about that you had gel in your hair this morning. I am talking about gelling your hair before the game, styling it in the mirror, and then constantly checking yourself out in any reflective surface that happens to be near the pitch. Oh extra shiny soccer ball, I think I will admire my beautiful hair in you.

Under Armor

Now there is a time and place for under armor, if you are a girl that time is when it is chilly out. However, if you are a man, under armor is only permitted to be worn when it is snowing out. If you happen to spot a player who shows up in 80 degree weather wearing skin tight spandex than you can be 70% sure he takes himself too seriously.

Neon Colored Cleats

This should be taken as a bright flashing warning that says, “This player craves attention!” He will always be open. He will always demand the ball by screaming. He will take shots every chance he gets. He will not pass, because he is, of course, the best player on his team. And you can be damn sure that he is too good for defense.

Now once in your lifetime you will stumble onto a player who walks onto the pitch with a freshly gelled fohawk, neon green Nike’s and skin tight under armor. Run for your life, and do not look back.