Thursday, March 12, 2009

The Secret Rules of Major League Soccer

We all know that the rules of Major League Soccer are convoluted and hard to figure out. Thankfully you have me! Months ago I went on a secret spy mission toMLS headquarters. I have just now returned from my mission. Pretending to be a developmental player petitioning to receive seven dollars and hour instead of six, I snuck into Don Graber’s office and read the secret tome of knowledge. Here are the secrets contained within.

The Mutiny Desk
Tampa bay Mutiny Shirt
As I made my way through the labyrinth that is MLS headquarters I watched interns and men without shirts scurry through marble halls. MLS headquarters is both expansive and intimate. Large TV’s continually broadcasting FSC’s Fox Football Fone-In cover every wall. As I walked passed vast cubical farms chatter floated through the air.

“40 million per expansion team”
“Pucker up”
“David Beckham and Blanco on the same team”
"More rainbows on shirts"
“Poplar Point”
“More national team players on TFC”

I scooted down the hall and came to large mahogany double doors. I pressed my ear to the door I couldn’t hear a thing inside. I turned the knob and stepped inside the door. Inside was an exact replica of the oval office. There in the center of the room was a large desk made out of Tampa Bay Mutiny equipment. The legs were sold goalposts. The top was a solidified mass of Mutiny Jerseys rolled together like a dung beetle rolls shit.

I knew my mission. I walked over to the desk and began pulling out desk drawers.
  • 5
  • 1
  • 9
  • 7
  • 4

Click! A secret compartment rose from the desk.

Franky Hejduk’s birthdate. The key to any room or safe in MLS headquarters.

The Book of Secrets
As I opened the book wind filled the air, shaking the room. I opened the book to expose the deeply guarded secrets:
  • Any underwear model has the option to buy a MLS team
  • Developmental players are cheap slaves
  • The purpose of MLS is to build stadiums which will later be used for a new Major League Rugby League
  • The DB rule is actually named after Deutsche Bank AG the secret rulers of MLS
  • Loaning players out is done through the Office of Witchcraft and Wizardry
  • There is a shortage of chicken livers to examine
  • Every team must have a sister club but only FC Dallas can use their connections
  • TFC is financed by a Ponzi scheme
  • Don Garber likes his coffee cold
  • Silly string are the new streamers
  • Throwing things at Craig Waibel is encouraged
  • A developmental player reality series is in the works
  • Maykel Galindo is the narrator
The Escape
Just then I heard bells ringing and a loud shuffling sound. It had to be the Don and Blanco. I shut the desk and bailed out the window and took the book with me. As I ran backwards through the cornfield I heard the screams coming from MLS headquarters.

They were lost without the book. Now color and emotion would slowly seep back into their world. They would learn what love, pain, war, and joy really is. Sigi Schmitd would have to guide them. As I ducked through the bushes with the book strapped to my bike I stopped for a second but kept going. Days past. Months. Slowly the planes came less and less.

One day as I came out of the mountain the book yelled "Plane, plane!" I threw myself into the bushes but couldn't hear the buzzing. I looked to where the book was looking. It was a bird. We were back to civilization.

1 comment:

Graham said...

This is definitely my most ridiculous post yet.